Friday, June 21, 2013

Cultural Issues in Marriage

It is my firm belief  that one cannot overstate the impact of a person’s culture and upbringing on:
how they talk
what they mean by the words they use
body language
overt actions
responses to what others do and say

There is no Christian culture apart from the larger ethnic and local culture in which each of us has grown up. And in addition to our ethnic, national, and regional culture, we have have a separate microcosm of family culture as well.
A Korean laughing, and American laughing– a Northerner and a Southerner laughing even– and a Brit laughing; all can mean, and generally do mean, totally different things. Opposite, at times.
I know that you have experienced this already in your marriage, and you I am sure have thought about it and learned about it and so forth. I encourage you to look even deeper and see if there is more you can glean. A cold should, or what feels like a cold shoulder to you, may very well have some intent/meaning/expression that if you knew more about, could be dealt with better/differently, than what you currently know to do.
My suggestion would be to talk with your husband, to observe him with yourself and with others, to observe the men and the women in his culture and his family, read books, find some sociologist or anthropologist, lol, who has written about your husband’s culture from the viewpoint of your own, and see what you learn.
Christians should treat each other with love. For 19 years this meant that when my husband was upset with me, he shut up. In his culture and family, if you talk when you are mad you YELL MESS at each other. I did not know that. I thought he was a nasty childish brute for giving me the “silent treatment”. He was not giving me the silent treatment. He was using whatever means necessary to avoid hurting me with his tongue. It took me 19 years to understand that, and 19 yrs. for him to logically look at what he was doing and realize it was not working (well, anyway) for us. He was treating me with Christian love, all the same.
We are obviously slow learners. The point is, there’s a lot to learn. We don’t even know what we don’t know.

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