It's Not About Spanking!

Guest Post by L. Elizabeth Krueger of Raising Godly Tomatoes:

For some unknown reason, some people, even after reading my book multiple times, think it's all about spanking. No matter how many times I say that if they're parenting the right way they will only need to spank for a short period of time in the beginning, they are still spanking the same kids for the same offenses year later - and thinking this is the right way to parent! ACK!

Okay, it is really NOT ABOUT SPANKING. Yes, spanking speeds things up, but only if you know what you are doing already. If you don't get how to be a benevolent boss, then even spanking is not going to work. If you DO know how to be a benevolent boss, you won't need spanking. (And if you do, you won't need it for long.)

Here is a check list for those of you who feel the style of parenting I promote is not working. Usually, moms who feel this way will say that "spanking" isn't working for them, but the spanking part is really not the problem. Read this list and see if you can isolate the REAL problem.

1. Are you watching your children constantly SO THAT, you can stop and correct them for EVERY misbehavior/disobedience?

2. Are you stopping and correcting them for EVERY misbehavior/disobedience, including wrong attitudes (pouting, whining, laziness, anger, bickering, etc.)?

3. When you correct, do you make sure you continue correcting (this may include a scolding, standing in the corner, intermittent spanking, etc, but I don't mean to spank continually), until the child has changed his mind and attitude and willingly cooperates and obeys?

4. Are you kind and encouraging when your child is doing little things right? Do you watch for good things to praise him for? (As in: "Thank you! I like it when you obey me so quickly!")

Beside the things listed above, here are a couple of underlying issues that may be at the root of the problem if you are still feeling defeated. Ponder these if you seem stuck in the spanking rut with small children and you think you are already doing everything listed above:

1. You must make parenting your children your TOP priority on a minute by minute basis all day when they are under your exclusive rule. (If your husband wants other priorities when he's home then you'll have to adjust, but eventually you'll be able to juggle.) Kids are not a sideline, they are your full time job. Cooking and sewing and indulging in your favorite interests (even if they are something good - like studying herbal remedies to use on your family) should be a FAR second to raising Godly children. Don't view raising godly children only as the "long range goal" but also see it as your MINUTE by MINUTE goal to shape their behavior and especially their hearts toward God NOW. Everything else should STOP every time your children need any attention (corrective or encouraging) from you.

2. It will greatly help to make things black and white for both you and your children, then make what you want to happen, what you think really OUGHT to happen, happen. (This applies to attitudes as well as to actions.) Be the leader, not the follower. This is often the reason Dad can get the kids to behave when Mom can't. Dad believes he has the right to be the boss and get those kids doing whatever he wants them to do - then he does it.
Moms often start out trying to make that little baby happy. The baby is the boss. And then they often keep thinking in terms of making their children happy rather than switching over to viewing themselves in the role of director, educator, boss, mentor. So their kids continue to act like spoiled babies leading Mom around by the nose and getting whatever they want.



If you are continually spanking for more than a few weeks with no results, then you are not spanking correctly and you might as well stop. Unfortunately, whatever it is that you are doing wrong, you will still be doing wrong, but at least you've eliminated over-spanking.

It's not just about spanking. Spanking is just a little extra incentive to back up everything else you are doing to teach respect and obedience. Remember:

-If you are not watching your kids well enough, then it won't matter if you spank or don't spank, you still will not be able to change their bad hearts or behavior.

-If your children are not your top priority, then it doesn't matter if you spank or don't spank, you still will have problems with them that you won't be able to correct.

-If you are constantly critical of them or irritated by them, then it doesn't really matter if you spank or not, you will still lose their hearts eventually.

-If you give them to others to raise or influence, then it really won't matter much if you spank or not, because others are doing the real raising and influencing.



So my best advice is to figure out what OTHER things you are doing wrong before you start spanking again - for anything more than serious misbehavior. If you can figure this out you should not need to spank very much at all.